Yea, blessed are the supermarket tabloids
for lo, they shall deliver us down
checkout grocery galleries of
cough drops, candy bars, and TV Guides--
And blessed are you and I
with our free life-long subscriptions to
THE SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT HEADLINES!
that exercise or 14-items-or-less
express lane brains...
And oh, tabloid headlines wear so many hats:
--They champion the inspirational successes of the handicapped:
GIRL WITH 14 FINGERS WINS TYPING CONTEST!
MUTE DRIVER HONKS OUT ROAD RAGE IN MORSE CODE!
BLIND SEX CREEP BUSTED AS 'HEARING TOM!'
--They boggle the mind with life's unexpected ironies:
STARVING CAMPER MAULS GRIZZLY!
CHAMPION BULLFIGHTER KILLED BY BULLDOZER!
CANNIBALS ORDER PIZZA-- THEN EAT DELIVERY MAN!
--They clarify well-known generalities:
RESEARCHER CALCULATES A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL TO BE .0000000000134%!
--They ease our environmental anxieties:
SCIENTIST PROVES: EARTH IS GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE! GLOBAL WARMING IS EARTH'S HOT FLASHES!
--They showcase the consequences of failing to make safe and sober decisions:
DRUNKS FALL OFF ROOF AFTER BARTENDER DECLARES DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE!
--They provide important educational updates:
CATHOLIC SCHOOL SISTERS TRADE WOODEN RULERS FOR ULTIMATE DISCIPLANRY TOOL: NUNCHUCKS!
--They reveal the truth behind the proverbs:
SURVEY REVEALS BEST THINGS IN LIFE COST AT LEAST $5000!
NEW STUDY SAYS 'STITCH IN TIME' SAVES ONLY EIGHT, ON AVERAGE!
HONESTLY FALLS TO THIRD AS 'BEST POLICY'!
--And finally, sometimes they just make us think:
BEER CANS AND OLD MATTRESS FOUND ON MARS! Hmmmmm...
yes... think to ourselves
(like in that old Satchmo tune)
"What a wonderful world!"
VAMPIRE ELVIS ON THE PROWL, SAY COPS!
(FANG YOU... UH, FANG YOU VERY MUCH!)
